The better question is what wouldn't I want changed. I have faith in Obama and in all his campaign promises.

Voting was amazing! It was my first election so I was super excited. I woke up early anticipating long lines and honestly I waited less than two minutes. I placed my ballot in the machine and very proudly put my "I voted!" sticker on my shirt.

Oh and then I went to Starbucks and got my free coffee for morning. I thought that was a very nice thing they're doing. Show them or tell them you voted and you get a free tall house coffee! If you have no other incentive or don't care about voting at least do it for that.

Random lyrics to express my random pensive mood.

"I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of that from you.
I guess I should have heard of that from you."

"Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by

This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most"

Both of these songs are from Dashboard Confessional. Someone is going to have to rip these headphones off my head and slap me to get me out of this emo slump I'm in. Mad props to Kelly though for trying. Thank you.

I...I'm done. I'm done with trying to please everyone all the time. Its not worth it. Relationships are a two way street and I'm going to cut off all the ones that I know for a fact are one way. Let's see how that goes...I have a feeling it won't.


Lizard

Ok so I just want to let everyone know that I have the best friends ever!!!! Yeah that's pretty much it. lol

Ok so Friday I was having kind of a crappy day. Well I mean I hadn't slept, was having roommate issues, and yeah I don't know it was just crappy. So after lunch I walked with Beth to the post office to find that I had a little yellow slip in my box, this meant that I had a package. That made my day just because I had mail but it was only about to get better. So I picked up my package (it was from my Minnesota friends) and Beth and I walked back to my room. So when I got back to my room I threw it on the bed and ripped it open. So on the top of the box there was a layer of hand sanitizer and bubbles and the Release the Bats tape. I knew however that there was more in that box. I moved aside all that stuff and found the best little dog ever, his name is Hemmy. He's the bestest little bulldog dog ever and I hate to admit it but I've started sleeping again. I hate to think that I am so attatched to things that I can't sleep without them. I suppose maybe this is helping me with the fact that I can't seen to build good relationships with people.

Anyways... I just wanted to say thanks to my friends. I love you guys and I miss you like crazy.

Lizard

So I'm at the SLB now. For all of you non-FSU kids that means I'm at the Student Life Building. Internet is being stupid.

It's been raining all day. Well most of the day. I hate rainy days. They make me reevaluate my life, which is never a good thing. Just figuring things out. What I want do the rest of my time here and what I want to do after. After much thought and convincing I think the north is in my future. I just don't know how near or far into the future it is. Dad has the house up for sale(I know it has been for a while) and he's probably moving up to Georgia. We'll see where I end up...

St. Patty's day is Saturday. There is a 25 hr party on Tennessee St, which is like the main road here. I think I might go and check that out. I won't be drinking of course because well I'm not 21 yet. I think its pretty cool though because the beer is gonna be green and free. There is going to be so many drunk people. This should be funny. lol I <3 college.

Lizard

So I made my deadline for my paper with an hour to spare. The point is I made it right? When I signed up for the topic it was only because it was the only one that sounded semi interesting. I should've noticed it was due the week we got back from Spring Break. Bad idea. I got it done tho. Hopefully I get a good grade on it.

Other than that I'm just trying to survive this semester until summer. I'm doing a summer semester at home. Maybe. I'm not sure yet. I'm really just ready to be done with school for the year. I need a break. The rest of the semester doesn't seem to bad tho. Two more papers and a couple of test, nothing that I can't handle. Plus they're all pretty spread out.

I haven't been sleeping at all. I think over the past three days I've slept 8 hours. I am definitely feeling the effects of it today. I left my stuffed dog at home and I haven't been able to sleep. That's pretty sad that I got so attatched to a dog that I can't sleep without it now. My aunt send me a care package today and it had a tiny bunny in it for Easter. I might be able to trick myself to believe it is the dog. I doubt it but well its worth a shot. I need sleep.


Lizard

Spring break was pretty chill. I got back from Minnesota Wednesday night at like 12. I mean granted I was there for like a day and a half but it was still freaking amazing. I would've loved to stay longer but Wednesday was the only day that I could catch a flight back. The concert was amazing!!!!!! It was Boys Like Girls, Quietdrive, Cobra Starship, and Cartel. Best band there was Cobra hands down. I mean technically it was the only reason I was going to the show. After the show the best part though. My friend started talking to the merch guy and she told them it was my friends birthday (which it totally wasn't) and he texted Gabe from Cobra Starship and we got to meet him. That was beyond amazing!!! I mean he was super cool. He signed our tickets and took pictures with the three of us. Hands down it was the best concert I've ever been to. It even beat the Fall Out Boy concert last year with Elaine and that was like the best night of my life. Wednesday morning we headed out to the Mall of America and that was cool but I almost walked out of there with like 10 different pairs of shoes. I think I should seek counceling for my shoe addiction.

That was the only exciting part of spring break. Other than that I just spent time at home with my family and some time at the pool and random shit. Not really beach weather but it was still warm and sunny. It was nice to spend some one on one time with my brother. Although we are a dangerous combination together. Yesterday we got kinda bored and well lets just say that helmets and walls were involved. I'm on my way back to school soon, like 30 minutes. 8 hour drive=FUN! NOT! It won't be that bad. I'm kind of anxious to get back and see my friends. I miss them way too much. This summer is going to suck without them...


Lizard

Do you think anyone would notice if I killed someone? Or for that matter even care? I wonder if they would even notice he is missing? No I can't do that. As much as I like to complain and hate my father I could never do that. Family loyalty right? He's just so frustrating sometimes... I really thought me being away at school would help the relationship (if you can call it that) but it hasn't. I guess it...I don't know. I mean I bend over backwards to make this man happy but it never seems to work. I have finally come to the conclusion that that will never happen. This is a major step for me. I can finally stop living my life for him and start living it for me. Well see how long this lasts. Knowing me and my need to please people I give it less than a week.

Minnesota tommorow. I'm so freaking excited!!!


Lizard

So my grandpa ended up not having his surgery on Thursday. They had some sort of complication with his test results so they're not sure when its gonna be. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But at least they were good with letting me know that news.

I find it amazing how despite our 8 hour difference my dad still manages to get under my skin. He's been doing it all week. Well really he has been doing it my whole life but this week he's been extra moody. Everything got straightened out today though. At least for now.

I'm glad spring break is almost here. I need a break from all this craziness. This has definitely been like the week from hell but its over. I'm sick but again that's not new. Went to the doctor monday got some meds but they seemed to make me worse. Friday I had this like super mad fever but I got it down.

I don't know I'm ready to go home but yet I'm not. At least I know I won't be going for too long spring break. I leave Tuesday to go visit some friends in Minnesota. :D

Lizard

I'm having serious issues with my family right now. I know I'm the baby so everyone wants to protect me but seriously I've been through enough in my life to handle the truth. Don't spring something on me like 5 days before it happens and tell me "oh by the way this is pretty serious."

Yeah I knew he was having surgery but everyone is like dont worry its a standard procedure and he'll be out in a day. Now I have my grandma telling me to go to church and to pray because she is really scared and that they are talking about leaving him in there for maybe a week. I call my dad and brother and they tell me they've known this for a couple of days and maybe I should fly home Thursday. Why??? Why can't you tell me these things calmly and in advance. They know better, given my history. You shouldn't surprise someone who is easily proned to severe anxiety attacks and asthma attacks and not expect either or to happen. Seriously if I have to go on meds again I know who is at fault...

"You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,
And everything, everything's my fault."

Lizard

I think I've forgotten where I am. Last time I checked Tallahassee was still in Florida. Right? This whole 30 degree weather and no sunlight is not working out for me. I really miss home. There is alot of stuff going on down there that I feel like I should be a part of. My grandpa is having surgery on the 22nd and my brother just got a new job. I also got a letter from my dad today which was a little odd. If you know my dad at all you know he is not a sentimental man, that's where I get that from. Anyways his letter is basically telling me how much he misses me and how proud he is of me for how much I've grown up over the past couple of months. Despite all of his reservations on letting me come here, he seems to feel its what was best for both of us. There are days that I seriously doubt that but I'm here already so there isn't much I can do, just enjoy it I guess.

I really love it up here. I don't want it to seem like I don't but its hard. Despite being disfunctional I'm very attatched to my family. I miss having my brother around to talk to. I need that older person figure around to keep me sane and from thinking irrational thoughts. My friends do a pretty good job though. There are just some things that I would prefer to talk to my brother about though. Plus usually when I get upset or pissed I close up. I won't talk to anyone and I just hold it in. He knows how to get it out without pissing me off more than I already am. I guess I just feel comfortable around him. I've started to get to that level with more people. I've become more open and friendly. I still have some trust issues to deal with so I don't let them in all the way. I've been burned way too many times to get over that one. But still its an improvement. I guess that was the growing up dad was talking about.

I really wish spring break would get here faster. 15 more days...

Its 1:30 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? I don't know. So since my last update things have calmed down around here. That ugly thing called school has climbed back into its cage only to be unleashed again very shortly I'm sure. This week has been pretty easy, only test and I aced it so no worries.

My health on the other hand took a slight for the turn for the worse on Sunday though. So like since Friday I had this cold and I stayed in on Friday night and Saturday night thinking it would help. Sunday morning I woke up at like 8 with this terrible pain in my back. So I'm thinking I slept wrong or something and tried to ignore it. I was supposed to go to Kelly's sister's apartment for brunch later and I had time so I tried to sleep some more but I could't ignore it anymore. I took a Motrin and that didn't help so I told Kelly I wasn't going to go. It just kept getting worse. I was so scared because I was here alone and didn't know what to do. I called my dad and he told me it might be kidney stones and to wait to see if it got worse. It did so I called Jorge and asked him to take me to the hospital. He did and it was kidney stones. I watched the superbowl from my hospital bed and on some strong drugs. lol

That was seriously one of the scariest experiences I've ever had. I don't want that to ever happen again. I'm gonna start taking good care of myself because let's face it if I don't, who will?

I should probably try to sleep. I have class tommorow. Classes get in the way of college...

So I haven't updated this thing in forever but school has been crazy. I was really happy to come back but now I'm wishing I was home again. Why is it that when one thing starts to go crappy everything falls apart too? I mean betweeen school, my family, and trying to keep up with my friends here I'm reaching my point of exhaustion. I'm always tired and feeling sick and I'm starting to fear that it might be depression. It could also be the fact that this friday it will have been 6 years since I lost my mom. I don't even know anymore. I'm trying to stay positive and solve all my problems but as soon as I do another one pops up. That's life I guess...

School is really starting to get to me. I think my first semester was a tease. It seemed so damn easy. It could also be because I picked up another class this semester, not sure. I don't know sometimes I get so overwhelmed, kinda like I don't belong here. All my friends get all their work done quickly, their essays and readings. I feel like it takes me forever. Yeah I was in honors and AP classes but sometimes I feel so stupid and dumb.

It's probably my old insecurities coming up again... I really feel like I need to talk to someone and get this off my chest but I can't. No one seems to able to help me, plus I feel embarassed. I guess that's why I keep this thing around...

New year same sutff. Nothing has significant has changed in my life. I love how people think that all their problems can be solved by changing the year you write at the end of the date. I have news for you it doesn't.

My grandma seems to be getting worse everyday. She's done with her treatments but I think the effect are finally starting to catch up with her. I'm glad I have school to run away to and forget this. I know it sounds selfish on my part but I am not built emotionally to deal with it.

Speaking of school three days left and I get to go back. I have mixed feelings but for the most part I am happy to be going back. I miss my friends like crazy. Two days until my 19th birthday. Man I'm getting old.


Lizard

So this is Christmas and what have you done? I was listening to this podcast thing and it was something they were talking about. And I guess it got me thinking but I mean it doesn't get much to get me going. I mean the year is almost over and I guess its just trying to get you thinking about what you've done in the year. I guess the answer to that is that I accomplished a major goal to becoming the person that I wanted to be. Anyways enough of my broodiness, it's Christmas! It's been nice this year coming home and seeing my family again. As crazy and disfunctional as they all are I love them.

Hope everyone is having an amazing Christmas and spending it with those you love...

Lizard

So it has been like forever since I've updated this thing but I've been really tired and busy with school. But I'm home now and I feel like I can breathe again. I mean I know school shouldn't be stressful but I don't know. I felt like I was regressing back to like how I was in high school. Stress and test anxiety took over that last week and I definitely think people noticed.

I'm back home and everything now so life is better. Seeing my grandma sick the way she is but its better than I expected. I haven't really done anything to exciting since I've gotten home but that's good. I've been hanging out with Jess alot and it's been nice to catch up. I went to her house on Sunday for breakfast and we went to the mall today and I got some Christmas shopping done. I need to get a gift for my neice and brother and I'm done. It doesn't really feel like Christmas this year. I mean I'm aware of the fact that Christmas is in less than a week but it just feel like a regular day this year. Usually I'm always looking forward to Christmas and I have my lists and shoppng done but not this year. It's all good though.

Lizard

You know that opening scene from Home Alone with everyone running around everywhere and the house in mass chaos? That's the best way to describe Thanksgiving. It was fun though. The family wasn't that bad and my team won the football game this year. All that family bonding and holiday celebrating has put me in kind of a slump though. Im ready for the next two weeks to be over with so I can go home. I don't think I'm homesick, I'm just sick of being here. Its not the people because my friends are awesome, especially kelly and beth. I think its safe to say that they are my best friends here and I'm very grateful for that.

I'm in a much better holiday season mood though. I guess christmas has never been the same around my house since mom passed but I'm trying to make things better this year. Kelly's mom got us these really cute christmas trees and i have a little snowman that my aunt got me. But I guess I'm not completely over what my holidays used to be. Mom's birthday is saturday so that doesn't really help me get out of my mood either and it especially sucks this year because I can't even go to the cemetery. I guess I can do that when I get home.

I'm in a broody/apathetic mood. It's that time of the year. But that isn't even an excuse because I'm always broody.

lizard

Ok so the much expected date has come and gone and it has been quite amazing. I was actually kind of sad to leave school. I don't know what that was about. This whole week I had been awaiting this day and let's just say it was worth it. I got to atlanta at like 9 in the morning and finally met up with my dad around 3. He was very excited to see me but the first thing he says to me is "you look pale and your hair is long." Thanks dad I love you too. But its all good. My family is absolutely nuts and all of us should not be in the same house together, it should be an interesting couple of days. Hope everyone one has an amazing Thanksgiving! :)


Lizard

Oh man, I can't wait until this weekend. These past two weeks have benn very tiring and I just want it to be Thanksgiving already. Have governemtn class in about 35 minutes. It should be intresting to see what my professor had to say about the election results because he is very conservative. Plus it was kind of funny because someone asked him on tuesday if there had ever been a women speaker of the house and he said "no that will never happen." well it did. Why I find politics so interesting I don't know. I had to sit through an hour and 15 minute lecture on pornography today in political philosophy. That was intresting to say the least. Can it just be tommorow already? or better yet November 22.

lizard

i hate the flu and i hate flu season. its just my luck that i caught this the weekend before halloween. friday night i was knocked out at 11 and i didnt wake up until 2 on saturday and did nothing but stay in bad all day and read. sunday i slept till 1 and did more of nothing. my friends were in gainsville for the weekend and when they came back we went to dinner. they i went to the health clinic today and the nurse told me i had the flu but i have an appointment tommorow at 8 with the doctor just to make sure, plus to see if i can get something for it. hope everyone had a better weekend and will have a better halloween than i will.

lizard